On Failure, Burnout and Healing
I won't beat around the bush here. It's been a hot minute.
Like, we’re talkin’ "Gollum melting in the volcanic fires of Mount Doom," kind of hot.
I haven't posted anything on my website or sent one of these letters since late 2016.
And for a while, I wasn't planning on addressing the specifics or drawing attention to how long I've been gone from this space.
Why?
Well, for one, let's be real. Most people probably wouldn't notice or really give a rat's ass about what another girl on the internet is doing with her time.
But also, it's because I just felt... embarrassed. More and more with each month that slipped by. I still did a few local design gigs and would jump on social media here and there, but it wasn't the same.
I was deeply craving the conversations + relationships that had grown from writing on the blog and sending these letters. Guilt stuck to me for letting that sense of community fade out, even more so because it was a constant reminder I was basically losing control over the rest of my life as a whole.
The more I've thought about all this, the more it feels "off" to now sweep everything under the rug like nothing happened and hope no one notices.
Play along as if things are picking up right where they left off, no biggie? That's not the reality.
In 2017, the reality was I hit my breaking point.
I was 21, and I found out what it meant to face my first crashing burnout, along with a metric asston of other anxieties that'd built up in my personal life. It was like trying to hold onto a fistful of sand slipping through every crack between my fingers. If someone were to ask me to name a time when I experienced a full mental breakdown, this would be my best guess.
When 2018 came around, I started to realize I couldn't keep leaving up my mental blinders and ignore what was going on anymore. I had to learn to let go, ask for help, and finally surrender to the many shifts that'd been needing to happen for a long time.
I'd like to go more in detail in future letters, but for now, on a broad level, here's what it came down to:
1. Make some major life changes — i.e. put an end to a toxic relationship after almost two years, go to therapy to work through some intense anxiety, move back home for a year to begin navigating the weird, uncomfortable process of moving on from the chaos, and (eventually) find a full-time job to recover my finances.
2. Create some much-needed space, both physically and mentally, to slowly introduce small acts of creativity back into my life, and start building a stronger foundation for myself based on stability and healing.
A lot.
of f*cking.
healing.
Why am I sharing these things with you?
+ Because there's a lot of "failure is normal" feel-good, positivity talk online, but none of it means jack if people don't also shed some light on what those failures can actually look like and what it's like to recover from them (and how long it can take).
+ Because failure isn't a dirty word, and every failure has a story attached to it that deserves to be released from shame.
+ Because opening up, reflecting on your mistakes, and recognizing what aspects were out of your control helps you move forward, knowledge gained and new lessons learned.
+ And because sometimes you're just tired AF and need to know you're not the only one who doesn't have all their shit together.
I said earlier I used to think of this whole unplanned hiatus as me "letting things fade out." And in a way, that's true. In the simplest of terms, I failed what I originally set out to do.
But here's what I want to drive home to you...
Nothing is permanent and failure isn't the end.
You're allowed to accept seasons of rest and healing into your life, AND you're allowed to loosen your grip on any guilt or shame attached to it. Listen to what your body is asking of you. Pause, stop, start, slow down, let go, reflect, shift, pivot, reach out, ask for help, whatever it is you need right now.
You don't have to get it right the first time. Or the second, or the hundredth. Even if you think you missed your chance. Even if you ran yourself head first into a crashing halt that left you broken, exhausted, and completely ready to give up.
Whether it's been weeks, months... or years.
It's never too late to try again.
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